TOP FIVE REQUESTS MADE OF PROFESSIONAL DWARF
1. Can you ride me like a horse please, like I am a big proud horse
2. Can I knock on your overhanging forehead please, I want to see whether it’s like a block of wood or an aquarium
3. Please can I stand you on the handle-end of a fork, then slam my hand on the stabbling end, and you go flying through the air
4. Can I see your teeth please, I want to see if you’re adapted for an omnivorous lifestyle
5. Get your cocktail sausage hands off my tits please, this stopped being charming some minutes ago and I can see your erection
But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I got up a few times and moved backwards and forwards, but I got nowhere near actually saying “ride me” to a dwarf. Annoyingly, this is because I respect people in real life, getting my kicks instead from being a dick on the internet. Vile reprobate Will Porter has no such qualms. People are his playthings.
Jon “Logathon” Blyth is parasiting off my dwarf story by pretending he thought of dwarfs first, they all belong to him intellectually, and indeed invented the whole concept of “relative measure”. He even used my terrifying Will Porter picture.
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