Why I am not a vegetarian (work in progress)

After a discussion with my brother as to why I still eat (free-range) meat, I came up with the following. Criticism and arguments welcome in the comments please!


  1. The most important thing in any life is to be free from pain
  2. The next most important thing in any life is to have your desires satisfied
  3. There is no life after death, for man, animals, plants, rocks or anything else
  4. All things die.
  5. As we must die, a death which the individual does not forsee and is free from pain is the best death. (From 1 & 2 3.)
  6. A life which is free from pain, involves the satisfaction of necessary desires and ends according to 5 is called humane. (From 1 & 2 & 3 & 5)
  7. The length of the life does not matter, as long as it fulfils all conditions of 6.
  8. If an animal or human is raised and dies in a humane condition, it is the best life. (From 7)
  9. Animals’ desires are simple and satisfiable.
  10. All things considered, animals desires in the wild are satisfied less and they suffer more pain than animals’ lives in humane captivity.
  11. Free range farming and the use of a regulated abattoir is more humane than a life in the wild.
  12. For an animal, a life on a free-range farm ended sharply in a professional abattoir is the best life.

Tasty Green Meat

My pound of flesh is sizzling away on the hob, producing murderous juices, and on the radio I’m happy to hear my supply of tasty corpses is being maintained. Yes, the Foot & Mouth quarantine has been lifted (a bit prematurely in my case, as my mouth is still foul and my feet are no better) so tomorrow all over the country doe-eyed calves, calf-eyed lambs and possibly even lamb-eyed does will be taken off to the abbatoirs and boltgunned for our delectation. Mmm & indeed Hmm!
But what’s this? A butcher stands up (metaphorically; he was on the radio and it’s hard to stand up on something so small, though I’ve listened to plenty of MPs stand down on it, which must be easier or something) and says that us carniphages are in trouble. Apparently, there’s a great meat shortage across the country at the moment and all of the national suppliers are sold out! Not a kidney to be had for love nor money! It sounds like for the next two weeks we’re reduced to greens & beiges rather than tasty reds. (Not that my colourblind eyes can tell, save for the implied screams bound up with every tasty chunk.) Again! This cannot continue, this cannot be allowed to continue.
That’s why I’ve developed a plan, and it doesn’t involve mandatory stabilisers for all radio appearances of potential stand-up types. (comedians or otherwise, which reminds me ((via the Comedian)) that the cast line-up for Zack “300” Snyder’s movie of The Watchmen has been finalised – look ee here and marvel at the lack of name recognition. Back on topic!) As far as I can see it we have three options; stop eating meat (not an option); stockpile meat, living & dead (which the tube trains seem an excellent prototype for); or we stop other people eating meat, which leaves more for us (and shut up you damn economists with your concept of reduced demand leading to a systemic adjustment downwards in the meat supply). So I’m going to start preaching vegetarianism to everyone else and painting all my meat green as a disguise.