[Morning after Christmas party] Mmm… funny how the bits of blood you pick out of your nose after a night’s drinking look just like the bacon bits from Pizza Hut… I’m sincerely hoping that isn’t just me. Also strange chipping your teeth (think it was on a bottle or something) and then finding yourself cutting your tongue on the newly sharpened dentine… Also strange walking down the street in a lighthouse jacket and dirty skipper’s cap to cries of “hello sailor” and “mein Kapitan”… and the twisted vagaries of space filling


That’s what I call the architect of me downfall. Tim. Not as in my stepdad, though you can read something freudian into that if you want; you have a right to your opinion and I have a right to use your teeth as toecaps. No I mean Total Intestinal Maelstrom. These last two days I’ve been fountaining from both ends thanks to a Fillet o’ Fish meal I picked up one stormy night from Maccy D’s.

Now to help all you bowel-obsessives out there get your fix for the day, I’m going to hand you over to Professer S.R. Esser Sr. from the Pulmonary, Rectal and Oral Facility. He’s going to explain to you what you should and shouldn’t do when your guts are mankier than Long John’s long-johns.

“Thenk you. Es en expert in disorders of the gut, colon end pencreatic trect, Eh thought Eh’d begin by simply giving you eh childish list of things you should end shouldn’t eat when you’re vomiting through your nuhse (Dan’s note: actually just did that – neat party trick – well if your idea of a trick is clearing everyone out as quick as possible):

From best to worst… chicken soup, plen rice, BLT beguette, Egg-fred rice. Eh feel Eh’ve covered ull the food groups there. Enyone fency en enemeh?”

That concludes tonite’s lecture. Eh thenk yuh.


Product name

Trust 5.1 4000P Home Theatre System

10 word strap

All trust up and nowhere to go

300 words

Our impressions with trust, were like those of a child confronting a Russian doll for the first time: an enormous box was deposited by our desks, and upon opening had a smaller box inside. Within that were two yet smaller boxes, and five other small boxes: the subwoofer, the amplifier/control unit, and the five satellites. And just like that child, at first we were surprised at the trick, but now we’re just bored.

As we were getting the speakers out of the box two things jumped out: the subwoofer, and the connectivity. The subwoofer is tiny, much smaller than any of the others on offer, and about a third of the size of the Logitech sub. As for wires and adaptors, Trust have supplied enough to connect this system up to any soundcard, making setting it up slightly more complicated, but a lot easier.

As for the satellites, they’re just light grey plastic, designed to inspire boredom in ants. The control unit has that same cheap hi-fi feel, but at least its blessed with a pleathor of options, allowing you to adjust almost every speaker individually. It even included the ‘matrix’ button, which far from being designed to destroy Keanu Reeves on sight, instead allows you to put stereo sound through all six speakers instead.

But the sound: the midget sub pumped out a good noise, but the overall feel was fairly flat: as if the PC speaker look carried through to the whole ethos. Movies played well, as was to be expected with the Decoder, but even there it felt like something was being lost en route. The top of the music felt a little cut off, and the sub







3 pro/cons


X PC speaker appearance

X Flat, tinny sound